Verbal Excursions

I have three Best New Foods for 2009…

I have never liked chocolate. Historically, when I have made this statement, the women in my life have reacted as if I had just announced that, not only do I have a contagious illness – but I also used their toothbrush. I’m not sure what it is about women and chocolate, but apparently my dislike of it revokes my membership to the “normal” club. Maybe it will be reinstated when they read this – I have discovered and developed a deep and intense affinity for cacao. Not the sickly-sweet-Hershey’s variety of candy – but the simple, dark, rich and velvety deliciousness of cacao. Unsweetened is perfect, but lightly sweetened and mixed with chili? I’m drooling while I write this, actually.

One of the great tragedies of my life is the development of an allergy to dairy products. Especially since, for many, many years, my answer to the question “What is your favorite food?” would have been an emphatic “ice cream.” The alternatives have never cut it… soy substitutes are gritty. Rice substitutes are thin. Sorbet, no matter how you might wish it to be different, is still just frozen juice. But this year, I was introduced to the most wondrous food product since Wonder Bread itself… Coconut ice cream. It’s creamy, it’s delicious, and I’ll even go so far as to say – in some ways, it is BETTER than regular ice cream. I have been systematically trying every flavor I can get my hands on, and so far, I have liked them all, except for the plain vanilla. Plain vanilla has more of a vanilla aftertaste than a vanilla flavor… but that’s ok, because only boring people choose plain vanilla, and I am far from boring. Some purists might try to argue the necessity of vanilla in the makings of a root beer float, but having done extensive research on the matter, I can attest that that an exemplary float is, indeed, made with chocolate ice cream. And chocolate-flavored coconut ice cream adds a creamy chocolatey awesomeness unrivaled by your standard selections. Mmmm.

And, last but not least?

While traveling, I had the opportunity for the first time in many years, to eat chicken that tastes like chicken. Not store-bought chicken, not conveyor belt chicken, not Colonel Sander’s vat grown animal 64 – but REAL chicken. Chicken that had lived a real chicken life, full of scratching and pecking and grubbing fat bugs – and was, therefore, infused with the amazingly tasty essence of real chicken. Many of you will have no idea what I am talking about – you will read this, and ask yourselves what I could possibly mean by this nonsense… and to you, all I can say is – you have probably not ever tasted real chicken. Think about your favorite strawberry candy… it’s sweet and very distinctive. Now, think about the flavor of a real strawberry. They may both be enjoyable – but the flavor of candy won’t really compare to the lusciousness of an actual strawberry. This is similar to the difference I am describing. If you have never tasted fresh chicken, you should. Immediately, if possible. You may find that your standard store-bought chicken does not, ironically, taste just like chicken.

Bon appetit!