Every time I’m asked about the decision to include or exclude someone from a social situation, I think of my parents. My mother and father were married for over twenty years, the majority of which they spent being extremely unkind to each other. When they finally split, I was almost eighteen. I had been on my own for four years, my son was two years old. I was the most stable person in my family (financially and emotionally), and I was the only one with my own place – so come holiday season, my home was the only location available for our first post-divorce Thanksgiving. I had supported my mother throughout the divorce, and the subsequently brutal separation – even invited her to stay with me until she got back on her feet. So I suppose it’s understandable that she was terribly shocked when I informed her that I had invited my father to attend Thanksgiving dinner.

She asked how could you?
She asked what have I done to deserve this?
And finally, she asked Why?

And my response was -

Because family is family. Love is love. And the end of any relationship between two people is between those two people, and should involve no one else. And although I don’t agree with my father, and I don’t condone his actions, he is still my father, just as you are still my mother. And nothing changes that. So, because this is MY home, and I want to spend my Thanksgiving with ALL of my family, I am asking you both to honor and respect my desire to have you both here. You don’t have to smile at each other, you don’t have to hug, you don’t have to pretend to be friends – but if you can’t at least sit across the table from each other and be civil, then you shouldn’t come at all.

I gave the same speech to both of my parents. Neither of them were pleased, but you know what? They both attended. They sat across the table from each other, and though they weren’t friendly, they were polite. They even, at one point, grudgingly laughed at the same joke. And I have shared every family event since then with BOTH of my parents.

Whenever I have been presented with break-ups, grudges, personal feuds, or relationships gone awry amongst my friends, I have given a slightly modified version of this same speech. I have always exercised this tactic when it comes to social invitations – with one exception. One time, I was put in the position where I felt the need to exclude someone from an event I was organizing, due to the fact that her ex-boyfriend was a crucial participant, and had threatened not to appear if she were on the guest list. I called and explained the situation to my friend – and though she was obviously upset, she respected my request and chose not to attend. Ironically, they ended up making up a month or two down the road – but she was so hurt by what she perceived as my lack of loyalty that she didn’t speak to me for almost a year. In retrospect, she had every right to be upset – I should have stood my ground and refused to choose, and I consider myself fortunate that she forgave me.

If my parents, with twenty years of heartache and history, twenty years of insult and offense and blame and abuse, can endure each others company – can suck it up and smile and eat two slices of turkey which previously touched each other – can make eye contact over a gravy boat and not throw knives – then ANYONE can.

The person who asks you to choose their friendship doesn’t deserve to be chosen. The friend you WANT to keep is the friend who truly honors your wishes, and wants you to be happy. THAT friend doesn’t put conditions on their love. If you want to maintain both friendships, and you want both guests to attend your party – then you need to let them both know that you refuse to choose. It’s your home – you have the right to invite whomever you would like, and you have the right to expect that everyone who attends treats everyone else in the same room with respect and dignity. You have the right to expect that everyone involved act like the emotionally mature person we all aspire to one day be – or, alternatively, to acknowledge that they aren’t in that place at the current time, and politely exercise their right to not attend. Own your expectations, and express them clearly. In the end, your true friends will appreciate and respect your actions.

Today, I totally lost my shit. Completely exploded. Someone pushed the red DANGER button, and I blew right past diplomatic and dignified, and skidded full force into a red-faced rage. I haven’t been this angry, since the time an ex-boyfriend stole my car, hawked my Christmas presents for drug money, and then had his mother call me and ask me to book his plane ride home (because he was too high to make sense of the reservations). She told me “it wasn’t his fault” that he was a slave to his addiction. I told her she was right – that really, it was all her fault for enabling him to grow up into such a shitty person.

It probably wasn’t a nice thing to say, but it was a pure and accurate expression of how I felt, and it sure made me feel alot better. I’ve tamed down alot in the years since then. I’ve been doing alot of personal work surrounding the expression of emotions. I’ve made some serious progress.*

How can I express myself positively? How can I get my point across, in the most diplomatic way possible? What words can I use to avoid being inflammatory to others, even in an emotionally taxing situation? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself for years, in every interaction with the people around me. I’m by no means perfect. Sometimes I make mistakes – sometimes things come out wrong – but even when it’s difficult, I keep my cool.

Today I blew it. Hardcore. The lid burst off of a pressure cooker that’s been steaming for quite some time – one tiny match hit a big fat pile of tinder, and the force of the ensuing blaze rocked me back.

But you know what? I’m not sorry. I’m not apologetic. I’m not turning the other cheek. And, I’m not asking for anyone’s forgiveness, because quite frankly, I don’t need it. There is nothing to forgive – this rage is perfectly justified, and so is my expression of it. Because sometimes, you get screwed. Sometimes people hurt your feelings, and sometimes that wound runs deep. And some people are outright mean or selfish or thoughtless or unfuckingrateful – and using phrases like “well, that’s just the way so-and-so has always been…” or “well, she’s just had it hard” or my favorite – “gee, whiz, sunshine – it’s no one’s fault” is really just a brush off. Using a phrase like that invalidates the offense – it throws sand in the eyes of the wronged. It adds insult to injury. It’s unfair – and it makes the injured suffer twice.

You know what? My childhood was rough. I’ve had it hard. I’ve had the shit beaten out of me by life, again and again and again. And I’ve never used that as an excuse to treat someone badly. I’m still standing here, smiling. So, I refuse to make excuses for anyone anymore. There is no excuse for your poor behavior.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with anger. There is nothing wrong with rage. There is only a right or wrong way to express it - and I feel I’ve expressed it perfectly. If you can’t treat me with kindness, appreciation, and respect, then you don’t deserve me in your life – and I sure as hell don’t deserve you.

I won’t dampen my anger to the point of detriment. Instead, I’m lighting this brush fire, and stepping back to watch it clear the way. And it feels righteously fucking good.

*muchlove*

*I’ve even started a website.

Many people have the tendency to skate the surface, to exchange niceties – to chat in mild words about the weather, when there is really a storm brewing underneath. Why not just take a deep breath, and spit out the real deal? Cut to the bone of the matter. If you are unhappy, or pissed off, or in trouble – throw it out there. Don’t cover it with insincere smiles and statements which use the word “fine”. Even in a difficult situation, earnest expression goes a long way.

I am happy to offer up whatever tunes I’ve got in the key of consolation, commiseration, or sage fucking wisdom – any time, any place. But I’m not a mind reader. I can’t throw down an answer if you never actually ask a question. I can’t repair a wound if I don’t know where it hurts. And even if I *could* read your mind, I wouldn’t do it – the empowerment which comes from speaking one’s mind is amazing. I believe everyone needs to discover this in their own way.

Ask yourself the essential question – if I can’t muster the courage to express my truth, then how can I expect others to respond with theirs? Like meets like. Bravery inspires bravery. Truth attracts truth. Kick down the door of meaningless pleasantries with the phrase “This is how I really feel”. On the other side, you’ll find a universe of freedom.

*muchlove*

So, you love someone?  Act like it.  Put that love into your actions and your words.  LIVE IT.  Love actively, not passively.  LOVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

She’ll never how how much she means to you, unless you tell her.  He’ll never see how you feel, unless you show him.  Own your love, by expressing it fully.  And, if your relationship fails, or your love is unrequited – at least you can take solace in knowing that you loved your best and most beautiful at every opportunity.

Love makes no mistakes.  And, if you live your love in every moment, eventually that shining beacon of good vibe you send out into the world will attract the kind of person who is ready to love back, full blast.

*muchlove*

Validation