Verbal Excursions

so and so just broke up. I’m not sure they are on speaking terms…
those two don’t get along – every time they are at the same party, there seems to be some drama or another…
I want to invite them both, but…
he asked if she was coming. He said if she’s invited, then he won’t attend, and I feel bad excluding him…

Every time I’m asked about the decision to include or exclude someone from a social situation, I think of my parents. My mother and father were married for over twenty years, the majority of which they spent being extremely unkind to each other. When they finally split, I was almost eighteen. I had been on my own for four years, my son was two years old. I was the most stable person in my family (financially and emotionally), and I was the only one with my own place – so come holiday season, my home was the only location available for our first post-divorce Thanksgiving. I had supported my mother throughout the divorce, and the subsequently brutal separation – even invited her to stay with me until she got back on her feet. So I suppose it’s understandable that she was terribly shocked when I informed her that I had invited my father to attend Thanksgiving dinner.

She asked how could you?
She asked what have I done to deserve this?
And finally, she asked Why?

And my response was -

Because family is family. Love is love. And the end of any relationship between two people is between those two people, and should involve no one else. And although I don’t agree with my father, and I don’t condone his actions, he is still my father, just as you are still my mother. And nothing changes that. So, because this is MY home, and I want to spend my Thanksgiving with ALL of my family, I am asking you both to honor and respect my desire to have you both here. You don’t have to smile at each other, you don’t have to hug, you don’t have to pretend to be friends – but if you can’t at least sit across the table from each other and be civil, then you shouldn’t come at all.

I gave the same speech to both of my parents. Neither of them were pleased, but you know what? They both attended. They sat across the table from each other, and though they weren’t friendly, they were polite. They even, at one point, grudgingly laughed at the same joke. And I have shared every family event since then with BOTH of my parents.

Whenever I have been presented with break-ups, grudges, personal feuds, or relationships gone awry amongst my friends, I have given a slightly modified version of this same speech. I have always exercised this tactic when it comes to social invitations – with one exception. One time, I was put in the position where I felt the need to exclude someone from an event I was organizing, due to the fact that her ex-boyfriend was a crucial participant, and had threatened not to appear if she were on the guest list. I called and explained the situation to my friend – and though she was obviously upset, she respected my request and chose not to attend. Ironically, they ended up making up a month or two down the road – but she was so hurt by what she perceived as my lack of loyalty that she didn’t speak to me for almost a year. In retrospect, she had every right to be upset – I should have stood my ground and refused to choose, and I consider myself fortunate that she forgave me.

If my parents, with twenty years of heartache and history, twenty years of insult and offense and blame and abuse, can endure each others company – can suck it up and smile and eat two slices of turkey which previously touched each other – can make eye contact over a gravy boat and not throw knives – then ANYONE can.

The person who asks you to choose their friendship doesn’t deserve to be chosen. The friend you WANT to keep is the friend who truly honors your wishes, and wants you to be happy. THAT friend doesn’t put conditions on their love. If you want to maintain both friendships, and you want both guests to attend your party – then you need to let them both know that you refuse to choose. It’s your home – you have the right to invite whomever you would like, and you have the right to expect that everyone who attends treats everyone else in the same room with respect and dignity. You have the right to expect that everyone involved act like the emotionally mature person we all aspire to one day be – or, alternatively, to acknowledge that they aren’t in that place at the current time, and politely exercise their right to not attend. Own your expectations, and express them clearly. In the end, your true friends will appreciate and respect your actions.