“The first time someone shows themselves to you, believe them.” – Maya Angelou
I stumbled across this quote a few months ago, and it struck me. I had been acknowledging the one-sided-ness of more than a few of my relationships, and asking myself how it was that I had gotten drawn into so many interactions which left me feeling unappreciated, unfulfilled, and quite frankly – unhappy. I called up the person who knows me best – I unloaded in a rush, and asked for feedback. The response was quite simple.
“Well, you have the tendency to believe the best of people – even when confronted by the blatant face of reality.”
He went on to describe how I tend to project myself onto others. That, though I don’t expect others to necessarily act in the manner that I would in any given situation, I oftentimes act on the idea that people are generally operating under the same social and moral parameters which I operate under – when in question, I always give people the benefit of the doubt.
“It’s not a BAD trait…” he says, “I mean, really – it’s an expression of you. You always have good intentions, and so you approach life as if everyone else is aligned with you. There’s nothing wrong with that, really – except that it’s totally unrealistic. And it appears to be making you miserable.”
I was pretty taken aback. I’ve always believed that my tendency to believe the best of others was a GOOD thing- so this threw me for a bit of a loop. And, I’ve always been really challenged by the Negative Nancys of the world – I don’t want to be the person who is always looking over my shoulder, expecting the worst. It goes against everything I want to be. But I also really took to heart the idea that maybe, just maybe, I have been creating scenarios where my expectations for others are unrealistic – or in other words, I’ve been setting myself and others up for failure.
So, over the next few days, I kicked this thought around. I took a good long look at some of the times I’ve found myself most disappointed, and realized that there was definitely some truth to my friend’s words… but I just couldn’t find a way to put things in perspective. And then I came across the above quote.
When someone shows you who they are – believe them. Interesting.
I began to look back through the years, with fresh eyes. And I discovered that, in every place where I felt I really got burned – if I rewound waaaay back, to the very beginning – without exception, there was always a moment where someone presented themselves, and I really just wasn’t paying attention.
…the guy who told me on our first date that he had always been kind of selfish, spent five years being exactly that.
…the friend who said that they “would do anything” for the possibility of love, did. Including lie, manipulate, and trample the feelings of anyone who got in the way.
…the guy who said all he wanted in life was to get rich, still puts money first.
…the friend I met while they were busy burning bridges eventually burned the one between us, too.
In every relationship, there was a moment when I was given the opportunity to hear the truth, and believe it. And, I was too busy believing what I wanted to believe, to really acknowledge that person for who they were. I saw a very defined pattern in my life, and I decided it was time for a shift in perspective.
So, I have been practicing this new philosophy. When I am in that moment when someone is expressing their truth, I am doing my best to pay attention. Instead of projecting an image onto them, and being disappointed by the muddled colors, I am trying to see them for who they are. No more, no less. And then I can either choose to meet them where they are, with no expectations… or walk away.
…the woman who really wants to be my friend, but doesn’t think she has the time for me? I believe you- you don’t have the time for me. Let me know when you do – til then, I’ll find other ways to occupy myself.
…the chance stranger who puts themselves out there wholeheartedly in the first conversation? I believe you – you are open and interested in a connection with someone else who lays it on the line. Yay!
…the person who is just so ON that they constantly amaze me? Yeah – I’ve stopped second-guessing you. I believe that you just really ARE that good. And I like it.
…and, the one who can’t be bothered to return my calls, acknowledge my value, or really listen to what I just said? Well, I believe you, too – and what you are telling me, is that you don’t really need me in your life right now. So, I’ll be devoting this love to those who really want it.
It’s absolutely incredible what shows up when you are ready and willing to look. I believe that, too – wholeheartedly.
*muchlove*
