Verbal Excursions

(AKA – TEN THINGS I WILL STOP DOING IN 2010)

1. Taking home crap. Receipts for groceries that I am going to eat. Business cards from people I don’t plan on working with. Those stupid address labels that come in the mail from my insurance company. The free magnet calendar. I have no use for them – I don’t want them – and from now on, I will not stuff them into my purse, or my pockets. They will not cross the threshold of my home or office. I will refuse them outright (or if refusal is not an option, I will swiftly transport them to the nearest garbage bin).

2. Checking Facebook or email obsessively. Hey Self – guess what? You are not so important that you need to check email more than twice daily. In fact, fifteen minutes in the morning, and another thirty in the evening – Monday through Friday – should be more than sufficient to handle the current flow of communication. I’ll be testing this theory til the end of February, to see how it impacts my connection to the outside world (I’m thinking – very little.)

3. Supporting big business. Borders, Home Depot, Starbucks, Quizno’s, Bank of America… I drove through a good portion of the states this year, and I was surprised and appalled to see how much of it was exactly the same. I am done contributing to the homogenization of America. I am making a commitment to shop locally whenever possible, and support the mom n pops of business.

4. Giving gifts out of a sense of obligation. This does not mean I will stop giving gifts – just that I will stop buying them when I find myself acting from a place other than that of inspiration. So, if you do receive a present from me this year, it will be even more special, because it will be heartfelt.

5. Slaving to the man. That’s right – by the end of this year, if I am not employed full time by yours truly, then I will be in a position which rocks my world so hard that it makes me eager to dive into my day, and labor for the love of it.

6. Heeding the naysayers. These are the people who will read #5 and tell me that I am crazy to leave a secure job in this economy, that this is a bad time to strike out on one’s own, etc etc etc. I won’t be listening.

7. Paying bills. By the end of 2010, I will be completely debt free. I will celebrate by automating the payment of any bills which I can’t eradicate forever (for example, phone service). These expenses will be very minimal.

8. Participating in one-sided relationships. I started this as a test project in the final months of 2009, and guess what? It’s amazing how much more free time (and less stress!) I have, when I just stop showing up for the people who don’t return the favor. At first, I had the fear that opting out of my one-sided relationships might create some conflict, but to the contrary – it seems mostly to have gone unnoticed. I suppose that kind of proves the point, huh?

9. Committing to everything. For many years, if you needed a go-to guy, I was it. But I’ve found that constantly committing to support the undertakings of others has left me with very little time for my own. So if I am not absolutely passionate about the (project, committee, event), I’m going to have to sit this one out.

10. Providing justification. A friend reminded me recently that NO is a complete answer. ‘Nuff said.

So – what declarations can you make that will take a load off, instead of adding to your to-do list? What are your effortless resolutions? Hit me back!

*muchlove*
Verbal

so and so just broke up. I’m not sure they are on speaking terms…
those two don’t get along – every time they are at the same party, there seems to be some drama or another…
I want to invite them both, but…
he asked if she was coming. He said if she’s invited, then he won’t attend, and I feel bad excluding him…

Every time I’m asked about the decision to include or exclude someone from a social situation, I think of my parents. My mother and father were married for over twenty years, the majority of which they spent being extremely unkind to each other. When they finally split, I was almost eighteen. I had been on my own for four years, my son was two years old. I was the most stable person in my family (financially and emotionally), and I was the only one with my own place – so come holiday season, my home was the only location available for our first post-divorce Thanksgiving. I had supported my mother throughout the divorce, and the subsequently brutal separation – even invited her to stay with me until she got back on her feet. So I suppose it’s understandable that she was terribly shocked when I informed her that I had invited my father to attend Thanksgiving dinner.

She asked how could you?
She asked what have I done to deserve this?
And finally, she asked Why?

And my response was -

Because family is family. Love is love. And the end of any relationship between two people is between those two people, and should involve no one else. And although I don’t agree with my father, and I don’t condone his actions, he is still my father, just as you are still my mother. And nothing changes that. So, because this is MY home, and I want to spend my Thanksgiving with ALL of my family, I am asking you both to honor and respect my desire to have you both here. You don’t have to smile at each other, you don’t have to hug, you don’t have to pretend to be friends – but if you can’t at least sit across the table from each other and be civil, then you shouldn’t come at all.

I gave the same speech to both of my parents. Neither of them were pleased, but you know what? They both attended. They sat across the table from each other, and though they weren’t friendly, they were polite. They even, at one point, grudgingly laughed at the same joke. And I have shared every family event since then with BOTH of my parents.

Whenever I have been presented with break-ups, grudges, personal feuds, or relationships gone awry amongst my friends, I have given a slightly modified version of this same speech. I have always exercised this tactic when it comes to social invitations – with one exception. One time, I was put in the position where I felt the need to exclude someone from an event I was organizing, due to the fact that her ex-boyfriend was a crucial participant, and had threatened not to appear if she were on the guest list. I called and explained the situation to my friend – and though she was obviously upset, she respected my request and chose not to attend. Ironically, they ended up making up a month or two down the road – but she was so hurt by what she perceived as my lack of loyalty that she didn’t speak to me for almost a year. In retrospect, she had every right to be upset – I should have stood my ground and refused to choose, and I consider myself fortunate that she forgave me.

If my parents, with twenty years of heartache and history, twenty years of insult and offense and blame and abuse, can endure each others company – can suck it up and smile and eat two slices of turkey which previously touched each other – can make eye contact over a gravy boat and not throw knives – then ANYONE can.

The person who asks you to choose their friendship doesn’t deserve to be chosen. The friend you WANT to keep is the friend who truly honors your wishes, and wants you to be happy. THAT friend doesn’t put conditions on their love. If you want to maintain both friendships, and you want both guests to attend your party – then you need to let them both know that you refuse to choose. It’s your home – you have the right to invite whomever you would like, and you have the right to expect that everyone who attends treats everyone else in the same room with respect and dignity. You have the right to expect that everyone involved act like the emotionally mature person we all aspire to one day be – or, alternatively, to acknowledge that they aren’t in that place at the current time, and politely exercise their right to not attend. Own your expectations, and express them clearly. In the end, your true friends will appreciate and respect your actions.

Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out. (Tina Turner)

Much has been swirling in the ether lately. I’ve been doing alot of thinking on this past year – what worked for me? What didn’t? Where did all my good intentions go? What happened to the ideas I had? The creative endeavors I planned to undertake, to nurse from infancy into reality?

For a year in which, in theory, I had all the time in the world – one of my biggest regrets is that I spent very little of it doing what I actually wanted to do. I spent alot of time spinning my wheels, wondering why I just couldn’t seem to set a spark to anything new in my life. But like a fire, you’ve got to rake the ashes to give your new fuel room to breathe. Even the most inspired ideas, relationships, and dreams need room to stir – cut off the circulation, and even the freshest will go stale.

For most of my life, I’ve carried around a ton of rubbish – literally and figuratively. I’ve done an amazing amount of purging this year, in many areas of my life… but this week the laser beam of my focus will be centered on The Last (and Greatest) Purge of 2009. Because I’ve decided that, in order to bring new (and better!) things into my life, I first need to create some space. When my time, brainpower, and resources are consumed by things that don’t matter to me, there is nothing left to devote to the things that do. If my mental and emotional space is cluttered with useless knickknacks and meaningless frippery, when inspiration comes knocking, there just isn’t room enough to invite the muse in for a drink. So, if I don’t need it – if I don’t desperately crave it – if it doesn’t bring me joy or bliss or laughter or pay the goddamn bills – then it goes!

I’ll be holding a private ceremony to incinerate some of the detritus – including a box of depressing old poetry I’ve been lugging around for years (much of it written between the ages of 12-22), a hundred letters in which I am dumped by old boyfriends, and all of my journals from what I’ll kindly refer to as “The Dark Ages”. I’ll also be making a list of The Ten Things I Want More Of In 2010, as well as Ten Things Which I Will No Longer Do In 2010 (stay tuned – these posts will be coming soon).

So, what have you been holding on to that you should let go of? What sundry items (or ideas, or themes) would you toss into the burn barrel? And what will you hope to cultivate in it’s place? I would love to hear your thoughts.

*muchlove*

“Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.”
-G.B. Stern

This was my theme for Thanksgiving, and I thought it was so simply profound that it needed to be shared. Feeling gratitude in your heart is all well and good, but if you don’t express it, then what good has it *really* done?

The first entry the thesaurus lists for gratitude is acknowledgment. The second is to feel and give thanks. Not just to feel it, mind you – but then to give it to someone else.

So immerse yourself in thankfulness – swim in it deep and long. Then make it real by passing it on!

*muchlove*

“It’s my rule never to lose me temper, til it would be detrimental to keep it.” – Sean O’Casey

Today, I totally lost my shit. Completely exploded. Someone pushed the red DANGER button, and I blew right past diplomatic and dignified, and skidded full force into a red-faced rage. I haven’t been this angry, since the time an ex-boyfriend stole my car, hawked my Christmas presents for drug money, and then had his mother call me and ask me to book his plane ride home (because he was too high to make sense of the reservations). She told me “it wasn’t his fault” that he was a slave to his addiction. I told her she was right – that really, it was all her fault for enabling him to grow up into such a shitty person.

It probably wasn’t a nice thing to say, but it was a pure and accurate expression of how I felt, and it sure made me feel alot better. I’ve tamed down alot in the years since then. I’ve been doing alot of personal work surrounding the expression of emotions. I’ve made some serious progress.*

How can I express myself positively? How can I get my point across, in the most diplomatic way possible? What words can I use to avoid being inflammatory to others, even in an emotionally taxing situation? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself for years, in every interaction with the people around me. I’m by no means perfect. Sometimes I make mistakes – sometimes things come out wrong – but even when it’s difficult, I keep my cool.

Today I blew it. Hardcore. The lid burst off of a pressure cooker that’s been steaming for quite some time – one tiny match hit a big fat pile of tinder, and the force of the ensuing blaze rocked me back.

But you know what? I’m not sorry. I’m not apologetic. I’m not turning the other cheek. And, I’m not asking for anyone’s forgiveness, because quite frankly, I don’t need it. There is nothing to forgive – this rage is perfectly justified, and so is my expression of it. Because sometimes, you get screwed. Sometimes people hurt your feelings, and sometimes that wound runs deep. And some people are outright mean or selfish or thoughtless or unfuckingrateful – and using phrases like “well, that’s just the way so-and-so has always been…” or “well, she’s just had it hard” or my favorite – “gee, whiz, sunshine – it’s no one’s fault” is really just a brush off. Using a phrase like that invalidates the offense – it throws sand in the eyes of the wronged. It adds insult to injury. It’s unfair – and it makes the injured suffer twice.

You know what? My childhood was rough. I’ve had it hard. I’ve had the shit beaten out of me by life, again and again and again. And I’ve never used that as an excuse to treat someone badly. I’m still standing here, smiling. So, I refuse to make excuses for anyone anymore. There is no excuse for your poor behavior.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with anger. There is nothing wrong with rage. There is only a right or wrong way to express it - and I feel I’ve expressed it perfectly. If you can’t treat me with kindness, appreciation, and respect, then you don’t deserve me in your life – and I sure as hell don’t deserve you.

I won’t dampen my anger to the point of detriment. Instead, I’m lighting this brush fire, and stepping back to watch it clear the way. And it feels righteously fucking good.

*muchlove*

*I’ve even started a website.

“Pray don’t talk to me about the weather… Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous.” Oscar Wilde

Many people have the tendency to skate the surface, to exchange niceties – to chat in mild words about the weather, when there is really a storm brewing underneath. Why not just take a deep breath, and spit out the real deal? Cut to the bone of the matter. If you are unhappy, or pissed off, or in trouble – throw it out there. Don’t cover it with insincere smiles and statements which use the word “fine”. Even in a difficult situation, earnest expression goes a long way.

I am happy to offer up whatever tunes I’ve got in the key of consolation, commiseration, or sage fucking wisdom – any time, any place. But I’m not a mind reader. I can’t throw down an answer if you never actually ask a question. I can’t repair a wound if I don’t know where it hurts. And even if I *could* read your mind, I wouldn’t do it – the empowerment which comes from speaking one’s mind is amazing. I believe everyone needs to discover this in their own way.

Ask yourself the essential question – if I can’t muster the courage to express my truth, then how can I expect others to respond with theirs? Like meets like. Bravery inspires bravery. Truth attracts truth. Kick down the door of meaningless pleasantries with the phrase “This is how I really feel”. On the other side, you’ll find a universe of freedom.

*muchlove*