Verbal Excursions

“It’s my rule never to lose me temper, til it would be detrimental to keep it.” – Sean O’Casey

Today, I totally lost my shit. Completely exploded. Someone pushed the red DANGER button, and I blew right past diplomatic and dignified, and skidded full force into a red-faced rage. I haven’t been this angry, since the time an ex-boyfriend stole my car, hawked my Christmas presents for drug money, and then had his mother call me and ask me to book his plane ride home (because he was too high to make sense of the reservations). She told me “it wasn’t his fault” that he was a slave to his addiction. I told her she was right – that really, it was all her fault for enabling him to grow up into such a shitty person.

It probably wasn’t a nice thing to say, but it was a pure and accurate expression of how I felt, and it sure made me feel alot better. I’ve tamed down alot in the years since then. I’ve been doing alot of personal work surrounding the expression of emotions. I’ve made some serious progress.*

How can I express myself positively? How can I get my point across, in the most diplomatic way possible? What words can I use to avoid being inflammatory to others, even in an emotionally taxing situation? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself for years, in every interaction with the people around me. I’m by no means perfect. Sometimes I make mistakes – sometimes things come out wrong – but even when it’s difficult, I keep my cool.

Today I blew it. Hardcore. The lid burst off of a pressure cooker that’s been steaming for quite some time – one tiny match hit a big fat pile of tinder, and the force of the ensuing blaze rocked me back.

But you know what? I’m not sorry. I’m not apologetic. I’m not turning the other cheek. And, I’m not asking for anyone’s forgiveness, because quite frankly, I don’t need it. There is nothing to forgive – this rage is perfectly justified, and so is my expression of it. Because sometimes, you get screwed. Sometimes people hurt your feelings, and sometimes that wound runs deep. And some people are outright mean or selfish or thoughtless or unfuckingrateful – and using phrases like “well, that’s just the way so-and-so has always been…” or “well, she’s just had it hard” or my favorite – “gee, whiz, sunshine – it’s no one’s fault” is really just a brush off. Using a phrase like that invalidates the offense – it throws sand in the eyes of the wronged. It adds insult to injury. It’s unfair – and it makes the injured suffer twice.

You know what? My childhood was rough. I’ve had it hard. I’ve had the shit beaten out of me by life, again and again and again. And I’ve never used that as an excuse to treat someone badly. I’m still standing here, smiling. So, I refuse to make excuses for anyone anymore. There is no excuse for your poor behavior.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with anger. There is nothing wrong with rage. There is only a right or wrong way to express it - and I feel I’ve expressed it perfectly. If you can’t treat me with kindness, appreciation, and respect, then you don’t deserve me in your life – and I sure as hell don’t deserve you.

I won’t dampen my anger to the point of detriment. Instead, I’m lighting this brush fire, and stepping back to watch it clear the way. And it feels righteously fucking good.

*muchlove*

*I’ve even started a website.